The decision to end a marriage is painful. A spouse with a personality disorder often extends the divorce process. Resolution and recovery may take longer than usual. People entering a divorce often find that their spouses have never been formally diagnosed with any mental defects. Many people fail to realize their spouse has a personality disorder. Instead, they constantly blame themselves for not being supportive. Typically, the “healthy” spouse is the one bearing the burden of guilt, both during the marriage and through the divorce.
The issue of personality disorder often comes up in divorce consultations. Clients, after years or decades of enduring their spouses’ deficiencies, may attribute the marriage’s end to this disorder. While personality disorders are serious and damaging, overdiagnosis can occur during divorces. Many family law attorneys across the Commonwealth likely hear terms like “narcissist,” “obsessive/compulsive,” or “borderline personality disorder” in these cases. Of course, a personality disorder is an actual, medically defined thing.
Diagnosis of a personality disorder. Clinicians and researchers use the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, commonly referred to as DSM, to diagnose and classify mental disorders.The American Psychiatric Association (APA) published the newest version of the DSM called DSM-5 in 2013. The DSM-5 defines personality disorders as patterns of thinking and feeling that negatively impact daily life. These disorders include ten distinct types: paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders.
Personality disorders are Axis II disorders, while more “serious” mental disorders (Bi-polar disorder, depression) are Axis I. If your spouse has a personality disorder, understanding its technical definition and criteria is important. However, always rely on mental health professionals for the final diagnosis.
Educate yourself on the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders. If you’re in an intact marriage and living with a spouse whom you believe has a personality disorder, research the symptoms and treatments. That involves educating yourself and encouraging your spouse to seek professional help. There may be, after all, a way to treat and improve the symptoms, and that’s a benefit to your spouse and your marriage. As a professional, I believe you both owe it to yourselves to make a good faith effort to understand and address the disorder without ending your marriage.
Manage your mental health while dealing with a spouse with a personality disorder. Marriage isn’t easy, especially with a spouse who has a personality disorder. But you both committed for better or worse. It’s your duty to make life as good as possible. That includes focusing on you, too. Educating yourself means learning how to maximize happiness and fulfillment in your life. This is especially important when living with a spouse who has a personality disorder.
The internet contains much misinformation on this subject. I encourage you to find a reliable book instead. Gary Walters entitled one such book Out of the Fog. In this book, Walters opens by saying, “Living with a personality disordered individual can feel like living in a FOG. Fog stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.” A book won’t resolve the issue, but validating your experience is a healthy first step. A great therapist is a valuable second step. Although treatments for personality disorders are limited, ongoing discussions with an understanding therapist can help you find happiness.
Obviously, people dealing with the personality disorder of a spouse can reach their limit. Even very dedicated and understanding spouses can conclude that holding the marriage together is not worth the abuse. Yes, I am a divorce lawyer, and I’ve now represented over a thousand clients. But I have no interest in pushing a client to file a divorce when he or she is not ready. In an initial consultation, I act as an educator, offering support and encouragement for preserving the marriage. I ask each potential client if they have tried therapy, whether couple’s counseling or individual therapy.
If a reasonably likely way to save the marriage exists, the couple should pursue that option before filing for divorce. Of course, it does take two parties to agree to seek help together, and sometimes one party won’t play along, never mind admitting there might be a problem to begin with.
If you do believe your marriage is over and you believe your spouse has a personality disorder, seek out the consultation of an experienced divorce and family law lawyer, preferably a lawyer with experience handling complex mental health issues. Define the personality disorder and identify its symptoms. Then, Explain to the lawyer how you concluded the disorder exists, whether anyone has ever diagnosed it, and how it has manifested in your spouse’s behavior. Explain how accepting or resistant your spouse has been to his or her diagnosis and treatment, and be sure the lawyer understands your concerns, particularly concerns of safety. Personality disorders are very real, and the right divorce attorney in your case will understand the dynamic and how it will likely come out in the divorce process.
Our attorneys not only have experience handling sensitive divorce matters like the ones described above, but they are also trained and bring extensive experience in handling cases involving complex mental health issues. If you are living with a spouse with a personality disorder and want to get educated on your rights in a divorce, schedule a free consultation with our team by calling 978-225-9030 during regular business hours, or complete this contact form, and we will contact you back at our earliest opportunity.